My 14-year-old has started telling her friends that our family has gone “Amish.”

We haven’t, obviously. But compared with her friends, many of whom are already on TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat, and other social media platforms, it probably feels that way.

Recently, I decided to take away YouTube and iPad access from my 12- and 14-year-old kids.

This wasn’t a sudden screens are terrible and I’m throwing everything out the window decision. And I’m certainly not judging families who make different choices. I just know that with my own kids, I’ve felt the need to move slowly and with an abundance of caution when it comes to screens and social media.

In fact, I’ve always had fairly conservative screen limits. On school days, recreational screen time was generally limited to about an hour and came after homework and responsibilities were finished.

I thought that was enough.

For my kids, it wasn’t.

Because I started realizing that the bigger issue wasn’t necessarily how long they were on screens. It was what they were consuming and what I was seeing happen afterward.

Short-form content, particularly YouTube Shorts, was becoming the thing they reached for whenever they were bored or wanted to escape an uncomfortable feeling. They were isolating more. Afterward, they could be moody and unmotivated. Their ability to focus on slower-paced activities seemed to be shrinking. Even sitting through a family movie or TV show was getting harder.

And despite parental controls, content was slipping through that I didn’t consider age appropriate. I was also noticing language, attitudes, and influences showing up that I wasn’t comfortable with.

So I decided something needed to change.

Surprisingly, my 14-year-old barely pushed back. In fact, it was almost as if she was relieved to hear our decision to block YouTube and remove iPad access completely.

She told me that she could actually recognize what short-form videos were doing to her motivation. Even a relatively small amount could leave her not wanting to do things she genuinely loves–drawing, working on craft projects, playing guitar, or, believe it or not, even watching a TV show or movie.

She’s also really motivated academically. She’s taking more challenging classes this year in 8th grade and she wants to do well.

So while she was definitely a little sad to lose her favorite scrolling pastime, there was also a part of her that was genuinely curious, and even excited, to see what might happen to her motivation and focus without that go-to distraction constantly available.

Hence, apparently, our new Amish lifestyle.

Pay attention to what happens around the screen

One of the things I encourage parents to do is look beyond how much time a child is spending on a device and begin noticing what happens before, during, and after screen use.

How often are they reaching for it simply because there’s nothing else happening? How difficult is it to stop? And perhaps most importantly, what are they like afterward?

With my own kids, screens had quickly become the default response to boredom.

An empty moment?

iPad.

Nothing immediately interesting to do?

iPad.

An uncomfortable feeling they didn’t particularly want to sit with?

iPad.

None of this meant something was terribly wrong. But it gave me useful information about how screens—and especially YouTube—were affecting my children.

And that information helped me decide it was time to make a change.

Not all screen use is the same

This is where I think our conversations about “screen time” can sometimes lead us astray.

We tend to lump everything together under one big category: screens.

But an hour spent FaceTiming a friend, creating digital art, making music, researching an interest, or building something in a game is not necessarily the same experience as an hour rapidly consuming short-form videos selected by an algorithm.

That’s why I don’t think minutes alone tell us enough.

Instead, look at the larger picture.

Is your child still interested in other things? Can they tolerate boredom? Can they transition away from the device? Are they sleeping well? Are they connecting with family? Can they focus on activities that don’t provide constant stimulation? Do they still have the motivation to pursue the things they ordinarily enjoy?

Most importantly: Who is your child when the screen turns off?

The answers may be very different for each child in your family.

What I’m noticing since the change

Taking away YouTube and iPad access gave me the opportunity to observe my kids in a completely different way.

And yes, there was boredom.

There was disappointment.

There were definitely moments when having a screen available would have made life easier, for them and for me.

But removing that automatic source of entertainment also created space.

Space to be bored long enough to figure out something else to do. Space for creativity. Space for hobbies that couldn’t compete with the immediate stimulation of short-form content. Space to be more present with the rest of the family.

And we’re still figuring out what this looks like.

I’m not sharing our decision because I think every family should copy it. I don’t.

Highly sensitive, ADHD, autistic, and otherwise complex kids may interact with screens very differently. One child may be able to move in and out of screen use fairly easily, while another may become deeply absorbed and need much more support transitioning away.

That’s why I come back to something I talk about so often in my work: decoding behavior.

Notice the patterns. Get curious about what they might be telling you. And then make adjustments based on the actual child in front of you.

Before you make a major change to your family’s screen rules, spend some time observing.

Notice what happens before the screen comes on, while your child is using it, and after it goes off. Pay attention to mood, motivation, sleep, interests, transitions, family connection, and their ability to engage in other parts of life.

You don’t need to follow another family’s screen rules.

You need to understand your own child well enough to create the structure they need.

Throughout this month, I’m going to be sharing more about screen time: how it can affect different types of kids, warning signs that may tell you it’s time to make some changes in your family, and—perhaps most importantly—how to actually make those changes without starting a war in your house.