Understanding Childhood Aggression
May 18, 2021
“Young children and immature children only have the ability and the capacity to experience and feel one emotion at a time.”
This week on the 3D Parent Podcast, we are going to be discussing childhood aggression. Now, there are so many aspects to this topic I’m sure we will be re-visiting it, but today I just wanted to identify what it is, where it comes from, and how to handle it in the moment and prevent it in the future.
Throughout this episode, we’ll discuss language you can use with your child to help them work through their emotions and depersonalize restraining them if necessary. I will also provide you examples of different ways you can channel that aggressive energy into more productive activities, such as sports, martial arts, and just fun activities like popping bubble wrap.
I can’t wait to share these tangible tips with you, they will really be game changers for you if you have a child that struggles with this.
Things You Will Learn
[0:32] In this episode, we will dig into childhood aggression so we can identify what it is, where it comes from and what to do in the moment when your child is acting out, and how to proactively avoid aggression.
[4:36] So where does aggression come from? Most often it comes from a child not being willing to face very vulnerable feelings or emotions.
[8:07] How do we help them process this? We set boundaries, we stick to them and we allow them to process through their emotions. This allows them to practice moving through and experiencing a range of emotions including anger, rage and frustration.
[9:39] The aggression occurs when your child is unwilling to process through frustration and sadness, and instead acts out.
[10:45] When we focus on the aggression and start punishing children for that behavior, it robs them of processing their emotions and they can just stay angry.
[15:46] So, how do we handle the aggressive outbursts? You stay with your child, you restrain them if necessary and you depersonalize the restraint and behavior so your child doesn’t feel like they are being attacked.
[18:03] The most important thing for you to do in these moments of aggression is to remind your child, I know your screaming and kicking because you’re frustrated. And then you’re going to remind them of the thing that set them off in the first place.
[20:59] Once your child has moved through the anger and aggression into sadness, that is when you comfort them.
[23:17] Providing other outlets for the aggressive energy may help them move through some of that energy. This may include punching a pillow or couch cushion, or ripping up recyclable paper.
[24:15] In the aftermath, your goal is to work toward repairing anything you need to repair between you and your child.
[24:33] Proactively the best thing you can do is provide outlets for their aggressive energy that feels like play. So, things like sports, or martial arts, or simply allowing them to pop balloons or bubble wrap.
Episode Resources
Rest, Play, Grow- by Dr. Deborah MacNamara
Hold on to Your Kids- by Dr. Gordon Neufeld
Quotes From Episode 8
“Young children and immature children only have the ability and the capacity to experience and feel one emotion at a time.”
“[Your child] wants to bypass that [sadness]. It is too vulnerable for them. They want to kind of say, yep, I’m not going to feel that sadness …”
“What you’re doing is you’re basically not allowing them to distract themselves in this mode of aggression. You’re getting your child to basically face the thing they don’t want to face.”
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