Cultivating a Deep Connection With Our Children
May 18, 2021
“You need to develop a sense of curiosity about your child, and you cannot get sucked up into the emotions of what’s going on.”
On this episode of the 3D Parent Podcast, I want to go deep in discussing deep connection with your children. First we’ll look at a couple of studies regarding the different types of connection that can be used to classify young children. Then we’ll discuss in depth the different stages of attachment and what stage looks like.
Before the conclusion of the episode, I will also identify some roadblocks for you that are common challenges that come up for parents in trying to establish a connection with their child. Finally, I will give you some tips so you can start incorporating connection at every attachment stage to help you reach your goal as a parent as your child’s secret keeper.
Things You Will Learn
[0:17] Today’s episode is devoted solely to building a deep connection and bond with your child, and nurturing it throughout their life.
[3:52] I want to touch on a study done by Mary Aynesworth that observed relationships between a parent or caregiver and a child. This study was called the “strange situation” study.
[6:25] Based on the experiment, the children could be grouped into 3 categories based on their response in this situation: secure, resistant or ambivalent, and avoidant.
- [6:33] Secure babies tended to have better relationships with their parents and were more well adjusted.
- [7:09] Resistant / ambivalent children tend to grow up and require more reassurance and seek attachment with peers.
- [8:08] Avoidant babies appear independent, but just assume their needs won’t be met and grow up very needy and demanding.
[11:02] How do you raise a secure child? Decode behaviors by looking for underlying unmet needs and fulfilling those needs.
[13:35] My favorite way to discuss developing deep connection is through Dr. Neufeld’s 6 stages of attachment. I am going to explain them, but I also encourage you to do your own research. I have included a link to a video in the resources.
- [14:04] The first stage of attachment: proximity. This means attaching through their senses.
- [14:47] The second stage of attachment: sameness. This can be witnessed in watching a child copy and mimic your actions.
- [16:09] The third stage of attachment: belonging and loyalty. This presents almost as a possessiveness over the parents and being very much on their parents’ side.
- [18:08] The fourth stage of attachment: significance. This is when the child desires to be unconditionally loved and accepted for who they are.
- [19:18] The fifth stage of attachment: love and emotion. Between the ages of 4 and 5 there is a tremendous burst of brain development that allows your child to start to process and feel things on an emotional level.
- [20:49] The sixth stage of attachment: being known. Children in this stage choose their parents as their “secret keeper” for fear that not sharing would get in the way of their relationship. This is your goal.
[23:04] I identify some roadblocks to developing attachment, specifically in early childhood.
[28:16] I provide some tips for building strong attachment at home for each stage of attachment that was discussed above.
[44:39] As parents it is so important to be mindful of creating attachment because it is going to be key in getting your child to cooperate and how you think about discipline.
Episode Resources
Connection to Parenting by Pam Leo
The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J Siegel
The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn
Dr. Neufeld’s Six Stages of Attachment
Quotes From Episode 38
“... As securely attached children get older, they form better relationships with others, have higher self-esteem and are more flexible and resilient under stress and perform better in every aspect of life from schoolwork to peer interactions.”
“Let's raise children who won't have to recover from their childhood.” - Pam Leo
“So [Dr. Dan Siegel] states that the key to a secure attachment of their child is ensuring that they feel the four S's safe, secure, seen and soothed.”
Let's work together! I provide 1:1 support for parents motivated to make positive changing in their parenting and gain confidence and increase fulfillment in their role as parents. If this sounds like it might be what you've been looking for, book a free consultation today.
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