Say You're Sorry! Encouraging Genuine Apologies In Kids
May 18, 2021
“We need to move away from thinking that performance is more important than the actual process of going through and developing these feelings … We want them to be able to look at their sibling or their peer that is upset that they have upset and kind of put themselves in that child's shoes …”
This week on the 3D Parent Podcast, we dive into helping your children understand the process behind giving a genuine apology. The key this process might be difficult to grasp at first, because the key is to give the child time to process through their initial emotion, that caused them to act out, into feelings of empathy for the person they may have upset.
We’ll discuss the best way to give them time and space to process, but then check-in with them to help them facilitate an apology, different ways children may “apologize,” and when you may need to step in and provide an apology for your child.
Things You Will Learn
[0:41] Apologies, specifically genuine apologies from my children was an area I really had to grow as a parent. I used to demand apologies from my children, even when they didn’t mean their apology. But today I have a better understanding of what my child needs to truly feel sorry and take responsibility for their actions, and that is what I want to share with you today.
[3:12] The first thing I recommend when encouraging genuine apologies, is to not rush the process. Often when a child acts in a way that requires an apology, it is because they were frustrated with something. This is the key!
[4:59] Once you allow time to pass between the unkind act and the apology, the frustration of the child will start is dissipate, and feelings of empathy can show up. This is where you can jump in and acknowledge you noticed they were struggling with something, and then use a technique I explain to draw out good intentions.
[8:09] When working through getting two kids to connect again after an incident, you can also try something called a check-in. Bring the two children together and guide them through having the child who initiated the incident make sure the other child is okay.
[10:15] Another simple thing you could do is model genuine apologies yourself for your children. When I do this I like to use a “no buts” apology.
[13:49] If you’re interested in a great book for children on this topic, I highly recommend The Sorry Plane by Dr. Deborah MacNamara. I have included the link under the resources section of this post.
Episode Resources
The Sorry Plane by Deborah MacNamara
Quotes From Episode 11
“... so if one of my children did something to a playmate, a friend or to their sibling that was mean or hurtful, or just in bad character, I would say to them, go say you're sorry. And then I would demand it of them. And that child would likely follow through, but say, “I'm sorry,” in a kind of nasty voice where you knew they obviously didn't mean it …”
“We need to move away from thinking that performance is more important than the actual process of going through and developing these feelings … We want them to be able to look at their sibling or their peer that is upset that they have upset and kind of put themselves in that child's shoes …”
“ … sometimes you need to take action quicker than your child is ready to act on. In those cases, like I said, go ahead and say [I’m sorry] for them.”
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