Parent Coaching: Fears At Bedtime
May 18, 2021
“It is important to kind of say, I can take this. I can help you. Oh yeah, worries are hard. I'm in this with you so that they kind of feel like this sense of security. Like I don't have to handle this all on my own.”
This week on the 3D Parent Podcast, I take you through a live parent coaching example with Sara Dean. Sara Dean is a mom, wife and the creator and host of the Shameless Mom Academy Podcast. After experiencing her own identity crisis after becoming a mom, Sara has found her passion and purpose rebuilding her identity and helping women, especially moms, own their space and put themselves first.
On the podcast we discuss her story of parenting so far, and one of her current challenges as a parent: addressing fears at bedtime. As you listen, you will hear Sara discuss in detail her son’s fears and behaviors, and then I will help her work through some ways she can help ease her sons fears and help him bridge the separation gap overnight.
Things You Will Learn
[1:01] I’d like to introduce my guest, Sara Dean. She is a mom, wife and creator and host of the Shameless Mom Academy Podcast. She lives with her husband Vince, her son Vinnie and their 14 year old dog. After their journey through infertility, they have dedicated their time together as a family to create memories and taking adventures together.
[4:34] Currently, Sara’s biggest challenge with her son is his fear around going to bed and waking up in the middle of the night due to fear. This fear seems to be primarily centered around a burglary. So they do their bedtime routine, but if they don’t stay in the room until he is completely asleep, he gets up and comes to find Sara and her husband.
[12:41] After some clarifying questions, it seems Vinnie is struggling with separation at bedtime and overnight. This fear and worry may be stemming from the buildup of emotions throughout the day, and at bedtime, just before the longest separation of the day, those emotions are all bubbling to the surface.
[14:57] The best way to address these emotions is to empathize and acknowledge his fears, and let him know he is not alone in this. So first, you normalize your child’s fears and let them know you are here to help them process those fears and you can help share some of those fears with your child.
[19:05] Then the next thing we need to do, and this is the most important part, is to provide some things to help your child bridge the separation time. So instead of focusing on leaving, point them toward the next point of connection.
[24:22] Keep in mind, as frustrating as it can get, providing reassurance is key. As long as your child knows you are there and coming back to check on them, that keeps the alarm at bay. When we as parents get frustrated and threaten to stop the reassurance, that only makes things worse.
[26:29] Another thing you can do during waking hours to alleviate some of the worry is to dedicate at least 15 minutes to uninterrupted play and connection, and really take the time to connect with your child.
[29:41] If the nighttime wakeups become very frequent, you could even consider making a small bed in your room for your child to use if they need to. This depends on your comfort level with that, but it does help ease their worry.
[33:22] One last thing you can do is simply explain the stress response to them. Sometimes explaining that our body is trying to protect us and keep us safe when it doesn’t need to, helps them process their fear and worry.
Episode Resources
When Saying Goodnight is Hard:20 Ways to Bridge the Nighttime Distance
Quotes From Episode 10
“I think that for a long time I thought that I would mourn things as he got older, especially because he's an only child. And what I found is that I keep getting this reinforcement that it just keeps getting better and that I don't need to mourn the past ... “
“It is important to kind of say, I can take this. I can help you. Oh yeah, worries are hard. I'm in this with you so that they kind of feel like this sense of security. Like I don't have to handle this all on my own.”
“[Beaven] Parenting is a big, humbling experience. [Sara] So this is the first thing I’ve done that I don’t always feel like I’m really good at.”
Let's work together! I provide 1:1 support for parents motivated to make positive changing in their parenting and gain confidence and increase fulfillment in their role as parents. If this sounds like it might be what you've been looking for, book a free consultation today.
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