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My goal is to provide you with tools that help inform, empower and boost your confidence as a parent so you can make the best decisions possible for you and your family.  Parenting is challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. I am here to guide you through the 3D Parent approach to parenting, so you can stop struggling and start celebrating all of the time you have with your children.

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Parent Coaching: Aggression Toward Nanny

May 19, 2021

“ … aggression is really what happens for kids when they don't want to feel something that is very vulnerable. So when there's a there's an underlying feeling that they just don't want to face, a lot of times kids will lash out in aggression.”

 

This week on the 3D Parent Podcast, I welcome a fellow parent and friend, Elizabeth and we are going to be focusing today’s episode around working through childhood aggression toward parents and a nanny or caregiver.

 

Throughout the episode we recognize there are a couple different things at play in this situation. We will revisit some topics that I’ve already discussed on the podcast, including understanding childhood aggression and cultivating a deep connection with your child. But we also touch on how to help bridge separation for a child if that is something that is causing them distress.

 

This episode is full of helpful tips and tricks on a variety of different topics, so it really gives you a good example of how all of the tools I’ve discussed can be utilized together to help you continue to raise your children with discipline without sacrificing your relationship with them.

 


 

Things You Will Learn

[7:12] This week I have a parent guest, Elizabeth, on with me, and Elizabeth’s daughter Delaney has always liked to be in control. She doesn’t like to be told what to do. When she was younger this resulted in a lot of hitting and biting. That has stopped with Elizabeth and her husband, but the aggression has continued with their nanny.

[14:08] The cause of aggression for children usually arises because they are avoiding feeling something uncomfortable, or something that makes them feel vulnerable.

[15:42] Why do kids have this aggression? It acts as a defense from feeling something they don’t want to.

[19:34] I walk Elizabeth through handling the aggressive behavior in the moment. The first thing we do is restraining our child from hurting themself or others, and remind them we’re here to help. Then we remind them of what triggered them. If we ignore that it doesn’t allow them to feel and process the emotions that frustrated them in the first place.

[23:21] It is also important to consider nurturing and deepening the connection between Laney and her nanny. I cover this extensively in Episode 3 (insert link to show notes). One thing that may be very helpful is sharing with Laney what the nanny shares with you, her parent, about your daughter.

[30:47] Part of creating a better relationship with boundaries is really setting those boundaries, knowing how to react to your child’s outburst, and sticking to the boundaries. Children can perceive if we have weakness and will instinctively take the lead because they feel they need to take care of themselves.

[38:01] Another component of this is separation from her mom. With your busy schedule, she is just struggling with this right now, so ways we can bridge this include: intentionally transferring Laney to her nanny, and focusing on the next time you’ll see her. You may also want to give her something physical that reminds her of you, for example matching bracelets.

[42:13] One last tip. In times when schedules can get really busy, make time that is special, no distractions, 100% attention on your child time. This helps them feel more connected to you, even though things are busy.

 

  


 

Episode Resources

The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn

Quotes From Episode 14

“ … aggression is really what happens for kids when they don't want to feel something that is very vulnerable. So when there's a there's an underlying feeling that they just don't want to face, a lot of times kids will lash out in aggression.”

“Developmentally, it's really important for children to not be self programmed to try and avoid vulnerable feelings. We need them to become more comfortable in the discomfort of those uncomfortable feelings.”

“I notice the more that I play with her, the more that I create our day as being fun and playful, the more I see that kind of willingness. And I feel like anything I can do to foster that between the two of them would also create that willingness from Laney.”

“But when it comes to parents and caregivers, that's a place where you want to keep those feelings and emotions that are being stirred up for us to ourselves. Because when we communicate those feelings, it's communicating ‘you have a lot of power over me.’ And the truth is, it's not fair to put a child response, make a child responsible for the feelings that we're having.”

 


 

Let's work together! I provide 1:1 support for parents motivated to make positive changing in their parenting and gain confidence and increase fulfillment in their role as parents. If this sounds like it might be what you've been looking for, book a free consultation today.

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About Your Host

I’m Beaven Walters, your host and guide on this crazy and fulfilling journey as a parent.

As a certified parent coach, parent educator and mom of 4 children, I am passionate about helping parents navigate the tough stuff while maintaining dignity, direction and deep connection in your family relationships.  I have spent over 10 years teaching in a variety of educational settings with multiple age groups, and now I am delighted to bring those experiences to you at home. Throughout this podcast, we will cover topics such as tantrums, sibling conflict, screen time overload and transitioning into the teenage years.

My goal is to provide you with tools that help inform, empower and boost your confidence as a parent so you can make the best decisions possible for you and your family.  Parenting is challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone.

I am here to guide you through the 3D Parent approach to parenting, so you can stop struggling and start celebrating all of the time you have with your children.